(no subject)

[textileowl]

I hadn't planned on posting today, but I was boosted by a friend's own rough lovelife that maybe it would be better to scream my lungs out here, rather than the real world. Besides, I have to work tomorrow and I need to be able to speak.

My boyfriend came over today while I was getting ready to work on my dress. I was watching Farscape at the same time and when he came in, that was the first thing -I think- that he noticed.
This actually didn't bother me at first, I know he hasn't been able to see any of the episodes in a while and as I have the whole entire series on tape, I should have known that was what was going to catch his attention. I didn't want it to.
A little while later he mentioned that he should've been at some party an hour and a half ago. To my honest knowledge, this was the first time I heard that he had somewhere to go. He says otherwise and I don't realy doubt it as I do have a bad tendancy to hear things and then forget.
I'm not really upset about those things, honestly...well, maybe a little that I do not remember him telling me about the party. What I am upset about is that he did not even ponder asking me to go with him. And that I can not tell him about this. I don't like showing such deep emotions, it gives people a view of you that they have never seen before. What if they don't like what they see?
I hate being so completely emotional even if I don't show it to those who need to see. It was something used agaisnt me when I was younger, bitches who deserve no names decided to use me as their little insult bouncer during classes. I managed to steel myself agaisnt them, leaving the jr. high they were in and running away. I can't run anymore but I can certainly hide and I shouldn't be hiding from those I love. Yet here  I am underneath a damn rock that is too heavy for me to even try to crawl away from. 

 

Comments

[fallenravie.livejournal.com]

Aw, Jessie. *feels horrible and unable to do a damn thing* *hugs*

[hobbitheart.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you're feeling helpless about this. I think you should talk to him, but I'm not in this situation and I don't know him either.

I hope it works out none the less. *hugs*
-El

[textileowl.livejournal.com]

For both of you *returned hugs* Honestly I think that work is getting to me more than anything and that I have readjusted to being home. That is my excuse for last night, though who knows if it is true. And trust me I hate wanting to tell him and then not being able to.

[fallenravie.livejournal.com]

No reasons for excuses, darls. I can understand why you hate feeling that way, and I'd really like to be able to give good, sound advice to you. I guess in your case I just always have Rachel hanging over my head, and I try to avoid giving you advice on this stuff at all because I really do love you and Rach, and I don't want to be stepping on anyone's toes. *grimaces*