(no subject)

[textileowl]

What I want out of life

• a happy content existence
• a career that puts my best skills to use, makes me feel fulfilled, and can combine outside interests
• loving friends and family network
  
• to have children
• to have a loving, contented relationship with whomever I partner
• to have animals- be they cats, dogs, horses, farm animals of any sort
• to keep sewing, develop my skills as a seamstress, it makes me happy and I don't do it enoughbe a better person
• Rediscover that thing called faith
• Release distrust of other people

Umm, I think I repeated/reworded things in there and I may continue to update this as I think of things or have a better understanding of what these wants consist of. I feel like I should explain all these points, but at another moment, I dislike showing so much of myself. I've not been very open to many people, ever and it is making me feel extremely exposed and such a target that I worry how capable I really am. I've been a - not necessarily bad- inadequate friend to many people who don't deserve it. This is not a new problem, it's been reoccuring since about forever as I think about it. Though it's been prominent since Xenia, when being out in the middle of nowhere made it harder to get to parties and hang-out places and being invisible in seventh grade became a defense through out high school even though I tried to (or thought I did)  be social with people, it never translated to much outside of classes.

And I've seem to have lost my train of thought. Ah, there it is. I want to change this, make this future- as broad as it is- become truth in as much as possible. Lately it's been tough to work up the desire to do social things like Guild and simply hang out with people because of internal stressors that have made a lot of things difficult. Mostly doing with what I want ouf of life, who I am , how I want things to turn out and why there is never enough time in one day to do all of this. I've begun going to the Counseling center to try and help me work things out, and I am finding it difficult even there to express the things I can't comprehend. This breeds even more frustration for myself and what I have taught myself because now I find that things like being invisible, being unnoticeable makes defining who I am much harder.

Umm, I'm going to leave these open from now on, to promote the whole exposure and opening up to people. I'll try to remind myself to be more honest about things, to try and be more social when I have the time. To be more enthusaistic about Guild and the newbies because I need it as much as everyone else does.

I have to learn how to be me.