textileowl

Dear Aron,

Today you have made me feel like I need to either go crawl underneath a rock and die or simply crawl into a hole that contains a

I'm glad that you could be man enough to tell me that you were seeing someone else. I'm not happy that I had to rail at you to do so. I never thought it would come to this and, honestly, I never prepared for it.

Those walls that took you two years to crumble were not easily put up when I realized that people outside of my family and selected others were not to be trusted. I can't put them back up. I don't want to. Now I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I hated that you made me hurt so much. Much more than those who made fun of me in jr. high. Much more than my house burning down and losing what I had thought as a stable family. Much more than I hated mom for doing the same thing a few months later. All of this happened in the span of 18 months. What you have done happened merely in days.

I had hoped that you would be there when I went to college and started that 'next phase of life' as they call it. I hadn't thought of any other future until this summer. Hadn't planned on being alone again. Lost again.

I'm not deliberately making you feel guilty. It was guilt that wouldn't let you tell me you were seeing someone else and told you that it was better that way.

This is what I have been wanting to tell you for months and couldn't, because you had broken down walls and I was trying to hide behind the rumble. I guess I thought that there were things I couldn't tell you simply because they were silly or insignificant now but had such an impact on me when I was younger. I still don't want to tell you because of what has happened, that now it would simply be a ploy for sympathy and pity from you. I don't want that.

I just wanted you. And now that you don't want me, I just want to be me again. I'm not sure who that is.

Love,
Jeci