The State of the Jess

[textileowl]

I haven't done a true update in quite sometime. This post is more thorough than I've been. I will try to be more open in the future, in hope that things are more clear and less on Jeff to interpret my feelings to others. This is somewhat in response to his post last week, but I hope to continue writing my thoughts down in order to be more precise.


Let’s face it. It’s not fantastic. It’s not horribly irrevocable, nor even terribly disastrous, but sunshine and roses is not the case either. I’m being bombarded on many sides by opinions that clearly state that my lifestyle is not appropriate nor will it be tolerated in any way shape or form. That my commitment to my partner should supercede any other love that I may find in my life or that it should replace all other love completely and totally. I feel that this is not the case, though I may not be able to express myself fully or coherently. I apologize for not being capable of expressing the emotions that threaten to overwhelm me in a way that is not conducive to conveying the meaning of those emotions. I am then shamed into not speaking up for showing those emotions that I am trying to defend. It does not leave me many options, and clearly marks me incapable of speaking for myself and therefore merely following along and not really believing anything that I’ve agreed to.



There is not one specific issue with me at the moment, mostly a slow piling of smaller problems that have not been addressed.



I’ve been working at my current job for nearly a year now. I started at the end of February as a relatively part-time and have done quite well there. I manage shipping the costumes we schedule for PBS stations. This is about 30 costumes that I exclusively work with, making certain they are clean and complete before shipping them to the station, then when they return, starting the process all over again. There are also local event costumes and some national costumes that I control, keeping them clean, and not falling apart while keeping track of when the events are and having the costumes ready for the performers. It’s not a glamorous job, but it’s something I like doing. I like being methodical and orderly, it hasn’t spread back to home yet, but I’m working on it. The work is steady and I’m closer to 40 hours than 30 hours, but I don’t have insurance through the company, nor am I considered full-time. Thankfully, I am paid enough to afford private health insurance, even after bills and when it was needed, rent.



But it is lonely, I am the youngest and my office is separate from everyone else’s, it is also in the basement which means I am not getting nearly enough sunlight to balance my fair skin and the lack of Vitamin D. This quickly leads to a lassitude that my mom would find very familiar and can be difficult to push away. It is not a depression that is so deep and black that it is unfathomable, it is sort of the opposite, a lack of push, or drive past the basics. This is something I’ve dealt with every year and am slowly learning more techniques and things I need to o in order to make things more bearable in the winter, instead of wanting to eat, read, and simply cuddle under blankets until there is more daylight.



The work I do is not something I would want to do for the rest of my life, I’m not sure I can stay there for more than a couple of years. Then again, all the jobs I have had have been less than a year in total hours, so I don’t have much of a rule to go on as to how a “real job” is supposed to work. The building we’re in is in foreclosure, so we have been looking at new places, but as with all moves - real and potential, there is some stress involved especially since the business must get paid before it can pay its workers and even if we have money to move. We just finished up our busiest season and are working on figuring out our goals for the next year now that there is a solid team and we have an idea of what people’s strengths and weaknesses are. It’s hard work, but mentally and somewhat physically, and not in the mindless way that most retail jobs are and I can come home and still feel mostly capable to make dinner most weekdays. I may not be up to pushing Jeff to work on things like the apartment or his own commissions and maybe that is something I should work on, but it’s hard when I’ve seen the numbers he’s getting at work for the day and knowing that he’s as frustrated by things as I am at the moment.



The apartment, tor rather, the apartments as we are currently keeping two from being useful to anyone but ourselves. I am not pleased with the situation. Our lease at Pacemont was up for renewal at the end of August, and the landlord decided to raise our rent and so we left. Jeff’s mom offered us one of their one bedroom apartments that have been standing empty since the last tenants moved out. She did this without discussing it with Jeff’s dad beforehand, and honestly I hate that sort of offer. We’ve essentially traded a monetary debt for a familial emotional debt and one that I don’t think we’ll ever be able to repay to their satisfaction. To make matters worse, the apartment that we were to move into required a lot of work to be able to move into it. Jeff took off two weeks to work on it and things moved slowly. Things are still moving slowly. We should have gotten more done on it ourselves, having a list of the thing that need to be done, but it hasn’t happened. Now things are at a point where people are tired, resentful, and pissed off about how things are going. There are days I debate finding a new apartment and moving all of the stuff I can carry out, just to leave the resentment and disappointment. But that doesn’t work, as much as I want it to. So, what should the goal be? The things I can do on the apartment are painting and moving things to their next intended place of holding. The problems with moving things are that I don’t know what needs to move, or to where and honestly, I’ve seen how Jeff’s dad reacts when someone moves something he needs or he didn’t want moved. It’s not loud nor angry, but it’s not something I wish to deal with, or deal with the aftermath of Jeff’s mom after she’s talked to his dad. It’s easier to wait and move things when I’m told what and where I can move things. Currently, the bedroom is finished and holding our large furniture, the kitchen and bathroom are waiting for paint, and what is left are the front and middle rooms, which are full of tools and ephemera of a landlord’s work.



Love, marriage, and polyfedility



I love Jeff. I love him enough to realize he can be stubborn, moody, frustrating and difficult to understand. He doesn’t have a great way with money, but he tries to pay his bills on time and can’t always resist the shiny. Neither can I. But let me get this straight, since people seem to see us as one entity often enough that they forget that I am my own person and have my own opinions about the choices in my life, I have my own opinions. Sometimes they do differ than Jeff's, polyfidelity is not one where they differ. In fact, my decisions about who I love, how the people I love may love other people as well, and how those relationships all work together have a basis that is far older than my relationship with Jeff. My parents suffered from a lack of communication and a belief that they had to get married because mom was pregnant with me. I am not entirely sure of what actually happened, but there were a couple of incidences when I was about 6, and then again in high school, which I know more about and resulted in the divorce. But anyway, I am not partial to spending my life with just one person. It doesn't suit everyone and while I could be monogamous as a choice, I am not requiring it nor is Jeff. I only require communication, honest and open to everyone who may be involved. If this lifestyle is something that doesn't work for a person then they are not the person we seek out, and those who disapprove of it can simply not be involved in any way in our lives.

The current Ohio law states
Ohio Constitution Article XV § 11


"Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions. This state and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage."

Adopted November 2, 2004.

And this effects insurance, healthcare, taxes and power of attorney and is pretty much the only reason why I would marry Jeff in a legal and "official" marriage. I voted against this adoption in high school in my first election ever because I dislike that there is only one option for people to negotiate a binding personal contract, or in some cases no way to do so even though the people are of legal and consenting age. This conviction has only gotten stronger as I have gotten older.

As for the arguments that are essentially " what if's" and "think of the children!" There is nothing to prove that there is any one true way to deal with people, children, and the relationships between them. My uncle cares for eight kids, three of which are biologically his, one which he adopted from his second marriage, and four who are the children of his third wife. He also has , I believe, three grandchildren now. How is this any weirder than anything that is proposed with a group that involves more people? He is supporting other people's children, and from what I can tell, they are all reasonably stable as people. And yet, I have seen less stable family relationships in families that are married and monogamous. And where does adoption fit into the concept that only blood will keep a family together? There is a commitment of a family to come together solely to care for a child that is not entirely their own.

In a different direction, we've been discussing businesses. There has been mention of making dresses and evening gowns, faire garb, leather hats, leather shoes, or lingerie. This needs to be narrowed down and more focused on what we are both good at and enjoy making, and what is needed in the market where we might actually make a living (or at least an amount of money that can sustain the business and some living expense). The lingerie and evening gown market is not something that I think is viable as a community where we will thrive and would require a more upscale appearance and attitude. Neither of us are equipped to deal with the added stress of such acting or with the society that would demand it of us. We are not mainstream, and have never been.

At the faires we visited this year, there has been a clear hole that hasn't been filled for almost three years. There is no vendor that sell shoes, and those that make boots - both ready-made and custom - are still thriving. Son of Sandlar is slowly branching out into leather garments, and Catskill moccasins is doing alright even at the prices they charge. Jeff has shown skill and a desire to create shoes that rivals his hatmaking skills and in a much shorter time than with the hats. I think that with the equipment, time and materials, it won't take long to create a higher demand for garb-appropriate shoes. Now, where would I fit in here, since this might give the impression that Jeff would be running the business on his own, which would be completely incorrect? I would be supporting him in any way necessary to get things up and running. This can range from cutting pieces out, sewing things together, helping design new concepts, to making certain all of our bills are paid ( which I do already) and having a steady paycheck to offset the start of a new business as well as create application, take photos, or run the booth at any faire. I have some experience with the administrative side of running a business, the Council may not have made much money on Faire and Madrigal but it was still a business and I still was a coordinator. As much as there has been offers of help and assistance from Jeff's sister, we can't afford to take her up on it too much. She has enough on her plate with her own shop and honestly, her own opinions of our lifestyle will effect her opinions on how to run the business.

Comments

[talyr.livejournal.com]

Jess, all i can say is...hang in there. It is very, very hard to both live the kind of lifestyle that you want and be open about it in a society that doesn't value alternative set ups. Everyone thinks that the nuclear family idea is ideal because its traditional and also because its what THEY picked, so there's a natural urge to get defensive. Its particularly hard when its your own extended family that is the one giving you trouble, but what you have to do is just tell them 'my relationship(s) is no longer a topic of conversation'.

As for the emotional debt, i definitely see that. But you need to realize that you and Jeff are putting a ton of work into these places, for free, to get them livable. so if his parents are upset about the lack of income, you should be blunt about the fact that you ARE earning your keep, if not at the pace they would like. You might also want to consider paying rent (or getting a plan so that you can) to minimize that emotional hurdle.

But it does sound like you need to both sit down with his family and have a frank discusison that says 'this is OUR life, this is how we are going to live it. We realize that you don't approve, but this is what makes us happy and if you can't give us your support, at least accept that we know what is best for us. And let's all just agree to live our lives and not discuss this issue"

alternatively, every time they bring up the topic do one of two things:
1. Discuss your sex life in excruciating detail.
2. Ask them pointed and invasive questions about their sex lives.

I've had to do both of those things to get my family off my back about MY alternative lifestyle choices. Needless to say, no one asks anymore.

[isiswardrobe.livejournal.com]

I can relate to the love and polyfidelity. I've been in love with more than one man all my adult life. I usually don't talk about it much, as the general attitude is that I can't do that and that my feelings aren't valid. It's also taken me a long time to accept that I work this way and that it's right for me.