textileowl: (Default)
I'm sorry I haven't been writing to the extent that you are expecting me to or that it shows little of what's going on in my head. I don't know what you would like to hear about. "Just write" doesn't necessarily make me want to spill my guts, as you can see it will frequently cause the opposite reaction to a rousing success.

You say can't see me growing, but at the same time I'm having trouble even understanding your emails and what you are looking for when you read mine. It feels, sometimes like the beginning and end of the conversations are in someone else's letter.

It's always been difficult to open up, people don't really make it easy to trust them unless I have a lot of time to be around them, and even then the initiative has to be theirs. I moved through a lot of schools early on and learning that made things easier. In grade school, if you said something to someone about liking someone else it quickly went around the classroom. Even if you didn't, something was said and you couldn't deny it because everyone knew so it must be true. Besides, girls aren't as important so if something is wrong or they act a little strange well - they're just shy/sensitive/etc. Pick whichever buzz word you would like.

My sister hasn't helped in that regard, always louder and more chatty even if it was absolute junk. Always talking about and anything except the truth. After all if I can't trust my sister, who can I trust? And that wraps into the stress about the wedding and the dresses. It feels like the world conspires to make certain that every project is just behind enough to triple the amount of stress. Between Pyr not being able to cut out my sister's at work because that place has been a madhouse for the last month and the green dress for me not being the correct shade at all because it seems that satin is fully saturated with dye, I kinda want to shake my sister for making this wedding be such a stressor for Pyr and I. For asking us to make her dress and for me to be me and decide that a David's Bridal dress isn't good enough.

Ugh, at the end of a sentence and don't know what to write or where to go next... must be time to look at something else for a minute. It's funny how someone can get all the way through grade school, high school and college without getting anywhere close to a ADD diagnosis. And at the same time, my head says well Jess, that's because when you don't attach hyperactivity to that, and you aren't a loud, disruptive child who likes to read and are smart enough that you were reading because you were ahead of everyone else - well the school was lucky enough to catch that and get you to a place that made you think harder and differently once a week. And compared to my sister, I'm not sure any one would have noticed.

Well, it's near dinner time and I'm going to need the drive to get calmed down from writing this all out I'm sure. There will be roasted duck at the White's house with a large helping of Pyr's sister pouring over every little move her husband has done in the past 9 months, and every little word from the therapist. I'm getting somewhat tired of it because she manages to talk herself into such a paranoia that even mine looks healthy in comparision - though I am fairly certain they have very similar roots. She grew up with the same kids all through school so her trust issues are far more localized.
textileowl: (Default)
Edit: This took a while to read since work was busy and there was the whole New Year's thing in between. Here it is,  not necessarily the same thing I was going to write before, but it's is what came out today.

This will probably be long and rambling, as I read this yesterday and saw lots of parallels to my relationship to Pyr, his to Drgn, and mine to Drgn as well. I may not fall on the spectrum as heavily as either of them but the same pitfalls mark areas in which there needs to be work.

Now, I'm not necessarily considered to have Asperger's, I exhibit similar traits but don't actually have enough or severely enough to be considered Aspie. For a visual reference, here is Pyr's test from 2007 when we were first discovering what having Asperger's meant. Here is my test from this morning, since I can't find the one I took at the same time. The earlier one was more centrist, bumping out at communication like it does on the new one.

Things in italics are from the above article.

From the beginning, their physical relationship was governed by the peculiar ways their respective brains processed sensory messages. Like many people with autism, each had uncomfortable sensitivities to types of touch or texture, and they came in different combinations.

Pyr prefers a touch that is firm and sustained, it took me a long time to figure out that that is why he moves away at night if my foot or hand brushes up against him. I still have to remind myself of that, and it is not something that is reflecting on me or our relationship.
To him, kissing felt like what it was, he told her: mashing your face against someone else’s. Neither did he like the sweaty feeling of hand-holding, a sensation that seemed to dominate all others whenever they tried it.

On the other side, this is pretty close to how I feel physically when being in an intimate situation with DRGN. Normally, I like kissing and being affectionate, but for whatever reason with her I have a harder time with these.

Girls with the condition, one theory went, were overlooked because their shyness was tolerated more and “mother hen” friends might shield them from the worst social isolation, as had happened to Kirsten

Yes, this. Looking at my own childhood, I don't wonder if I wouldn't have tested more for having Aspergers when I was much younger than I do now. I was a much less social person, spending most of my time reading - sometimes very specific subjects when I was younger - Greek myths, world myths in general, dinosaurs, Mayans, Egyptian archaeology etc.

“Parents always ask, ‘Who would like to marry my kid? They’re so weird,’ ” she said. “But, like, another weird person, that’s who.”

I love this quote. It's completely the thing everyone of us needs to hear. Being weird isn't a bad thing, finding someone like you isn't difficult. You just need to accept who you are and who they are and how you interact together.

textileowl: (Default)
This may  not be completely coherent, and I apologize for that but it needs to be said.

What is the difference between these two sentences??

On Monday, the State of Ohio legally recognized the marriage of Jeff and Jessica.

Jeff and I got married on Monday.

The first sentence is what happened, the second is how people are conveying what happened. The problem is, Jeff and I have considered ourselves married for at least a year - closer to two. Only since the 2004 election does the State have to actually recognize this union as a binding contract, which gave us no options as to determining our own personal and private relationship with each other and having it affect the aspects of life that benefit from the legal marriage : insurances, medical decisions such as DNR and other serious issues.

This has caused people all over to congratulate us, Jeff's sister (SIL) to berate us for not inviting people to what we consider a private decision, and a general feeling of hypocrisy to permeate myself. I was already married, long before we decided to go to the court house. Why is this simple meeting with a judge any more significant than the five years I have been in a relationship with Jeff? Three of those years we have been committed to each other and while not exclusive - in the belief that we were spending the rest of our lives together, planning on raising children and healthy relationships with the people we love/ will love.

I hate the feeling that this was the only way to protect our own interests. That there is no option for us but marriage because we certainly don't trust family ( though mostly Jeff's) to understand our beliefs enough to respect them and protect them even when we disagree. And that, in the long run would have been a dangerous thing to trust to them. Jeff's health isn't fantastic, and accidents happen, we both wanted people we could trust in the corner should decisions like DNR's become required.

And another thing. You do not insult a person in the same argument when you are trying to convince them you are right and they are wrong. It will make your argument invalid for bringing your personal opinion of the person into the conversation. No amount of perseverance, playing nice or apologies will ever make me believe you again once I understand how you really think of me. I will be polite and respectful but your opinion no longer matters, if it ever did. You've become the bully, and I don't allow them into my life. Not anymore.


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January 2012

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