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[personal profile] textileowl
I'm sorry I haven't been writing to the extent that you are expecting me to or that it shows little of what's going on in my head. I don't know what you would like to hear about. "Just write" doesn't necessarily make me want to spill my guts, as you can see it will frequently cause the opposite reaction to a rousing success.

You say can't see me growing, but at the same time I'm having trouble even understanding your emails and what you are looking for when you read mine. It feels, sometimes like the beginning and end of the conversations are in someone else's letter.

It's always been difficult to open up, people don't really make it easy to trust them unless I have a lot of time to be around them, and even then the initiative has to be theirs. I moved through a lot of schools early on and learning that made things easier. In grade school, if you said something to someone about liking someone else it quickly went around the classroom. Even if you didn't, something was said and you couldn't deny it because everyone knew so it must be true. Besides, girls aren't as important so if something is wrong or they act a little strange well - they're just shy/sensitive/etc. Pick whichever buzz word you would like.

My sister hasn't helped in that regard, always louder and more chatty even if it was absolute junk. Always talking about and anything except the truth. After all if I can't trust my sister, who can I trust? And that wraps into the stress about the wedding and the dresses. It feels like the world conspires to make certain that every project is just behind enough to triple the amount of stress. Between Pyr not being able to cut out my sister's at work because that place has been a madhouse for the last month and the green dress for me not being the correct shade at all because it seems that satin is fully saturated with dye, I kinda want to shake my sister for making this wedding be such a stressor for Pyr and I. For asking us to make her dress and for me to be me and decide that a David's Bridal dress isn't good enough.

Ugh, at the end of a sentence and don't know what to write or where to go next... must be time to look at something else for a minute. It's funny how someone can get all the way through grade school, high school and college without getting anywhere close to a ADD diagnosis. And at the same time, my head says well Jess, that's because when you don't attach hyperactivity to that, and you aren't a loud, disruptive child who likes to read and are smart enough that you were reading because you were ahead of everyone else - well the school was lucky enough to catch that and get you to a place that made you think harder and differently once a week. And compared to my sister, I'm not sure any one would have noticed.

Well, it's near dinner time and I'm going to need the drive to get calmed down from writing this all out I'm sure. There will be roasted duck at the White's house with a large helping of Pyr's sister pouring over every little move her husband has done in the past 9 months, and every little word from the therapist. I'm getting somewhat tired of it because she manages to talk herself into such a paranoia that even mine looks healthy in comparision - though I am fairly certain they have very similar roots. She grew up with the same kids all through school so her trust issues are far more localized.


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January 2012

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